The retired NBA star, 39, welcomed son Xavier Zechariah Wade, now 7, with another woman in 2013 when he and Union were broken up.
“It should go without saying that we were not in a good place at the time that child was conceived,” Union wrote. “But we were doing much better when he finally told me about the pregnancy. To say I was devastated is to pick a word on a low shelf for convenience.”
She added, “There are people — strangers I will never meet — who have been upset that I have not previously talked about that trauma. I have not had words, and even after untold amounts of therapy I am not sure I have them now.”
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Union, who previouslyrevealed her diagnosis with adenomyosis, has struggled with infertility, experiencing multiple IVF cycles, and “eight or nine” miscarriages.
In the essay, she recalled considering taking the drug Lupron to help her conceive — despite intense side effects that Union said could include early menopause and brittle bones — until Wade told her, “You’ve done enough.”
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Union continued, “Clearly, my feelings weren’t originating from a healthy place. So much of what made the decision so difficult was that if I didn’t submit to a surrogacy, then I was convinced I needed to let Dwyane go. Even if he didn’t want to, I had to let him find someone who could give him what he wanted.”
RELATED VIDEO: Dwyane Wade on What Makes His Marriage to Gabrielle Union Work: “It’s Not My Job to Change Who She Is”
Union admittedly still had many fears about the process at the beginning of her surrogacy journey. After meeting the surrogate, however, many of those fears were wiped away — especially when the woman revealed herself to be a fan. But it was still a difficult moment for the mom-to-be.
“This growing bump that everyone thought I wanted to see was now a visual manifestation of my failure,” theL.A.’s Fineststar wrote. “I smiled, wanting to show I — we — were so happy and grateful. But part of me felt more worthless.”
Union said she was overcome with emotion when she saw what was soon to be her daughter during an ultrasound. “It was suddenly incredibly real,” she explained. “Dwyane took my hand, and there was so much happiness on his face, I lost it. My cry was a choke stopped up in my throat, tears streaming down.”
“It was grief,” she continued. “I’d had so many miscarriages … looking at the screen, I understood how many potential babies I had lost. That’s why I was crying.”
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Once again, Union was overcome with emotion. “She was loved even as an idea. My body seized in a full release of every emotion,” she wrote.
“Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is man up and tell Gabrielle Union that I’ve had a child with somebody else,” he said in the film. “I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t eating.”
“When you hold something in that you know is going to come out and you have this information and you know it’s gonna f—k somebody’s life up, that you care about, that you love, if it don’t hurt you, then you’re not human,” he continued. “Me and Gab just went through something that you never want to go through and we still came out of it.”
source: people.com
